Emotions are a natural part of life, and young children have big feelings that can shift quickly. At Park West we don’t think children need to be protected from their feelings, and we don’t try to jolly them through feeling sad that mom left, or feeling mad that they can’t have all the turns with the dump truck. We think it’s important to help children recognize, express and manage their emotions. It takes time for children to understand where those feelings come from, what they’re called, how to manage them, and how to recognize them in others. Children may not understand that emotions change, and that even if they’re feeling sad or worried now, those feelings won’t last forever.
At school, there are many ways that we help children on their path to understanding emotions. One way is to help children interpret how they’re feeling. If we see a child stomp his foot and ball up his fists, we try to help him name his emotions and connect his feelings and behavior. "I saw you stomp your foot. You’re so mad! You wanted that truck right now!” This may not immediately quell their uncomfortable feelings, but that's ok. The idea is to help them understand what they're feeling and why, and let them know it’s ok to talk about it.
Acknowledging their feelings and offering them ways to cope can help children gain control of their feelings, but in a heated moment it can be hard for a child to process language. If a child is overwhelmed, we try to use few words, and give them space to feel what they’re feeling. We might hold them or just stay nearby, especially if they’re crying. It they’re trying to hit we would keep the words to a minimum, but try to give a clear limit. “It’s not ok to hit, even if you’re mad. I’m going to help you stop.” Picking up a child or moving them into a clear space is sometimes the only way to help them stop hitting. Helping them channel the anger in a more acceptable way can help in the moment, too. “I won’t let you hit the baby, but let’s do some stomping (or squishing dough, or throwing balls or punching pillows).
Big feelings can be frightening to children. Sometimes we adults aren’t really sure we can help a child stop, but if the adults remain calm, and project confidence that we can help them manage, children are usually relieved. It can be a little easier for classroom teachers to stay calm, since our emotional tie to the children is not quite as deep as a parent’s. As parents we often respond to our own child’s big emotions with our own anxiety, helplessness, or anger. Try to remember that as the adult you do have some tools, and you are in a position to help your child.
Another way to support children is to discuss our own emotions. Children are probably most likely to notice big emotions like sadness and anger. Discussing these with them, talking about what we're feeling and why, send the message that feelings (even uncomfortable feelings) are acceptable and that it's good to talk about them. You can discuss your own feelings the same way you would your child's, making sure to link behavior to emotions. “I’m sad that our trip to the beach is over! I want to stay here forever, but I can’t really do that. I think I’m going to take a picture to help me remember all the fun we had.” or “I’m so mad that the store was closed when we got there! I feel like yelling, but I’m just going to stomp my feet and take a deep breath.”
Sometimes using humor can help engage a child, and they get a kick out of the adults behaving in unexpected ways or suggesting unacceptable ways to cope. In a low-stakes situation, you can play up the feelings and help them see that small problems don’t need to elicit a huge response. “Ugh! I don’t want this broken cookie! Should I throw it across the room??”
In the school setting, children are getting a lot of practice expressing their own emotions and watching others express theirs. Having discussions about feelings as they occur in our lives is a very effective way to encourage emotional growth. Children are naturally curious, and anytime children witness other children expressing and managing emotions with teachers they all crowd around. “Why is he crying?” We take those moments to explain and normalize the situation. “He really wanted that truck, but it’s not his turn yet.” We might even turn it back to the kids. “What do you do when you’re feeling mad?” Or we offer our own take. “When I’m really mad it helps me to do something I like until I feel better.” Then, we help them take action. “Let’s go play at the water table until it’s your turn for the truck.”
Later, you might help them notice that they felt better and how. "You were so mad before, but I noticed that playing at the water table helped you feel better.” Acknowledge how hard it was, and how they coped. “You really did wait, and found something to do until it was your turn.”
It can also help to talk about feelings in a more neutral way. Sometimes reading a book about feelings can give children the degree of separation that they need to think and talk about the issue. Another neutral way to address difficult feelings is through play. Pretend play is a natural way for children to express and grapple with all kinds of emotions. Providing props, and sharing imaginative play with your child, can support their growing understanding of emotions. Pretend play encourages the use of words and narratives that describe and explore feelings, and helps children develop the ability to self regulate.
Fred Rogers said it best: “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
Learning to manage emotions is a lifelong challenge, and we can help children build skills for healthy emotional expression. With our help, they can learn that big feelings are ok, that they won’t last forever, and that the adults in their lives will help them cope while they learn to manage difficult feelings on their own.