We’ve heard of kids who have said, I know about sharing. That’s when my mom takes my toy and gives it to my brother! In our desire to encourage young children to share, sometimes we use adult ideas of fairness and niceties that don’t make sense or feel very good to children. If another child paints on your child’s painting, you might be inclined to say, It’s ok! We can all share. But, think about how you would feel if your work was interrupted by another person who changed what you were doing. You would rightly be offended, and your child has the same right to protect their work from others’ interruptions.
Intentions are good. We want our children to be able to share materials, play together, and consider others’ feelings as they work cooperatively. We share those goals, too, but at Park West we take a different approach. We use a system we like to call Protection of Work. We try to protect children’s work while instituting a system for turn-taking that ultimately helps kids manage this on their own.
So, what to do when your child is the one so badly wanting that turn? First, language can help a lot. We encourage kids to ask for a turn. In the beginning, this means teachers are saying all the words, but this modeling gives kids an idea of what they can say: Can I have a turn? Are you done? Now the first child can decide if they are finished with the toy or not. If a child grabs a toy from another child, teachers may say: Look! She is using that truck right now. She was holding it. Let's ask her to tell us when she is done. Then we will go ahead and talk to the child who is using it. These exchanges enable everyone to see just how this process works. A way to support kids during these kinds of exchanges is to help the asking child find something to do while the first child finishes their turn. We also make sure to follow through when the first child is finished. Do you remember who wanted a turn? Let’s tell her it’s her turn, now.
Sometimes teachers do need to help move the turns along, especially if the first child has been using a coveted toy for a very long time. We will remind the first child that their classmate is waiting, or help the classmate ask again, and express that it feels like a long time to wait for a turn. Ultimately we want children to start to consider other children’s points of view and get the idea that this system works, whether they are the one desirous of a turn or the person trying to execute their idea before relinquishing the toy to a classmate.
Sometimes teachers might adjust the approach, depending on the kids involved, the materials, and the particular situation. Everybody might want a turn with a new toy in the classroom, so teachers might help orchestrate shorter turns until the frenzy dies down. At some point, we might use a sign up sheet to help track all the kids who are waiting. At other times, a child may need a little more time to finish their turn, even if it means the child waiting has to wait until the next school day. What’s important to us is that these different approaches all can further the trust that everyone who wants a turn will get a chance and that there are people — parents, teachers, friends — who agree to this same process and will help facilitate it.
Materials like magna tiles usually have enough pieces for several children to play at the same time, but if one child is using all of the pieces we might point out, “You’re using all of them, and there are none for Alex to use. Which ones could she use?” Sometimes, Alex’s desires are specific so we might ask her, Which ones did you want? Then we’d help Alex ask for those. She may just need two more squares to finish the sides of her house. If the first child really resists, we might have to say something like, Can you give some to Alex, or should I help you? Children who experience this Protection of Work tend to relax when they realize that there is a system in place that works, whether they are the person wanting a turn or the person having the turn. After learning how to ask for turns, take a turn and let somebody know when you’re finished or not, children are freed up to use the materials. Once they know that they can ask for a turn, children begin to use the technique with kids in their families or in other venues. Parents can help siblings implement the strategy, even with toddlers who don’t really understand or have the words yet. Baby is using that right now. Let’s tell him you want a turn, and then wait until he’s done or I see Baby trying to grab that. It looks like he wants a turn. Can you tell him you’re using it? I’ll help him find something else to do, but let’s be sure to give him a turn when you’re finished.
When children get to the point when they are motivated to share materials with another child, it’s because the drive to be together helps them override their desire to have all the turns or keep all the materials to themselves.
When we help kids ask each other for turns, honor their right to work with materials until they’re finished, and follow through consistently, children feel empowered to manage turn-taking and sharing in a way that is effective, that makes sense, and that feels good to them.