Here at school, we don’t insist that kids use pleasantries like please and thank you. Teachers definitely model the use of these polite words, and certainly don’t discourage kids from using them, but we think that focusing on them too much can complicate the already-challenging work of self-expression and reciprocal communication.
It can be difficult for young children to understand that others can’t just intuit their intentions. They must state them so that others understand what they want. Parents are attuned to the needs of babies and toddlers, knowing what they want, and helping them with it. As kids grow, they must learn that others don’t immediately know what they’re thinking or feeling. Our focus at school is to help kids become comfortable stating their needs, feelings and desires, especially to another child.
We help kids ask “Can I have a turn?” or respond, “Wait until I’m finished.” We remind kids that they can ask a child across the table to pass the snack, rather than walking around the table to get the crackers. For some kids it feels easier to get up and get it, since they might not be sure how to get someone’s attention, how to formulate their request, and how to ask in an audible voice. Kids need a lot of practice and encouragement, and we might suggest that kids make eye contact with someone, and say the other child’s name when trying to speak to them.
We would also help the child they’re speaking to focus and attend to what is being asked. Reciprocal conversation is a delicate dance, and with little kids, it can be full of missed cues, poor timing and misunderstandings. Complicating this challenge by requiring the use of niceties adds another layer to an already difficult task.
Of course, we want kids to be considerate of others, and to learn the social cues they will rely on throughout their lives. As they practice talking and listening to each other, we also help kids adjust their tone of voice and volume, and understand how it could feel to another child if they are speaking loudly or shouting. We might point out that they sound mad, and ask if that’s their intent. Conversely, if someone is speaking too quietly, we’d coach them to go nearer or speak louder to be heard. If they aren’t making a visual connection, we might say, “Look at their face.”
We also focus on helping children verbalize their feelings and intentions during conflicts, and finding common ground when working things out with another child. We want to help children find the words to say, “I’m mad,” “That hurt,” “I don’t like that,” “I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” or “I won’t do that again.”
Kids are driven to connect with each other, and we want to foster the skills to make those connections effective. Once kids are communicating more adeptly, they easily add in the niceties, like saying please and thank you.