At this point in the year it’s fun to see the ways kids are connecting with one another in all our classrooms. Children are growing socially, from the youngest toddlers to the oldest JK kids. The process of connecting with another child, playing together and making friends is an exciting and delightful part of being in Nursery School. It can also be a messy, emotional, and thought provoking process for little kids.
Initially, most kids connect with the teachers, and over time they become more aware of the other kids in class. The toddlers who come once a week with a caregiver are just beginning to have little connections. They may notice each other more, and can be really fascinated by another kids’ appearance or behaviors. They may approach each other, watch intently, reach out to touch someone. They might follow a kid or mirror their actions, chase them or mimic their play. This can be met with shared interest, or be off putting to another child. Toddlers typically have little subtlety and limited verbal ability, so having their caregivers along helps. Teachers are also ready to provide language, point out similarities, and acknowledge and support these interactions.
As kids grow, they become ready for more, and usually begin by engaging in parallel play - doing the same or a similar thing next to another child. Two kids sifting sand side by side are usually most focused on their own actions and goals, but being in proximity affords them the chance to notice what the other kids are doing, too. At some point, kids have simple, incidental interactions, and maybe two sand sifters join forces to fill a pail together. Teachers are always on the lookout to foster, scaffold and support these connections. Even without nudges from a teacher, kids begin to notice each other more, and are showing more interest in being together. They might ask the teachers questions like, “What is she doing?” and teachers will help them to ask each other. Sometimes kids will have the language to greet another child, tell them their name, ask what they’re doing or invite them to play, but not everybody can. Often the overtures kids make may be physical - someone might reach out to grab another’s toy, or poke someone sitting next to them, or chase somebody in the gym. Again, teachers look for ways to help interpret, translate, and encourage kids to talk to each other.
With more days at school and more experience, children tend to show more interest in the other kids, and there is more intentionality about playing with peers. As kids develop more language they’re more able to have reciprocal conversations. They may need a teacher to remind them to look at the child they’re speaking to, or to say their name to get their attention. They are just beginning to de-center, to think more about the wider world, and to understand and see another’s point of view.
To connect, they need to join another’s play, with or without asking. Those who can ask might say, “Let’s play kitties!” or tell someone, “I’m building a rocket.” Sometimes overtures might be strictly physical, as when a child silently adds blocks to another’s block structure, or tackles someone on the gym mats. Some kids welcome the overtures, and others are put off. Some kids begin by being silly together, and like to say funny words or make faces while sitting at snack, but it takes a little more effort to organize themselves into more constructive play.
In order to maintain a connection to another kid and play constructively, kids need to be able to verbalize their ideas, adjust, and clarify, repeatedly. They may need to give up a part of their own idea to accommodate the other child. Teachers often need to remind kids to ask each other, and sometimes even need to model the words for kids to ask each other for turns, invite another to play, accept or turn down or negotiate an invitation.
Finding someone to share play in a satisfying way can be thrilling for kids, even when it’s fleeting. When kids enjoy multiple play times together, they may begin to build a rhythm with each other, and find ways to organize their time together. The two who like to chase will look for each other in the gym and the builders will find each other on the block rug. After a pleasant play encounter with another, many kids will now designate that person their “friend.” It’s exciting and satisfying to make that sort of connection, and most children are then very protective of it.
Preschool aged kids don’t usually understand the nuances of friendship. For those invested in a friendship, the intricacies of when to play together and how requires a lot of thought, and much practice. Incorporating multiple kids amplifies this. Miscommunications and hurt feelings are rampant, and emotions run high, so teachers help kids work through all of these difficult negotiations. We know that children try to protect new friendships, and may look suspiciously at another child trying to break into their game, or say hurtful things. In their immaturity, and caught up in the thrill of playing with another child, kids can try to exclude someone else they see as a threat. “Don’t sit by me!” they may tell someone, or “I’m not playing with you!”
Teachers try to help kids navigate friendships and all the emotions they stir up, reframing their declarations and offering some perspective. When faced with another prospective playmate, a child might say, “You’re not my friend! Bob’s my friend.” Or, the child who is welcoming of another might have mixed emotions about their loyalty to the first child, and be confused about how to categorize each of these playmates. Some refer only to the child they’re currently playing with as a friend, as in “Bob’s not my friend anymore. I’m playing with Jill now.” They might try to rationalize their choices, or categorize kids. “I’m only friends with kids who are 4.” “You can only play if you’re wearing blue.”
Teachers spend time helping kids talk things through, and may help reframe some of those harsh words. We might say, “I know you do have fun with Bob. When you say that he’s not your friend, he looks sad.” Or we point out how their words impact another. “Do you see his face?“ and encourage that child to express how it felt. “Did you like it when he said that?” We might help a child make a plan to include other friends later. “I know you are playing with Jill now, but will you want to play something later with Bob?” Sometimes, it’s enough for a child to hear that their friend will play with them later in the gym, or sit with them at storytime. Helping kids find something else to do, or someone else to play with, can ease the sting, and give them some ideas of how to cope with this kind of rejection. The child who has excluded another can be surprised by how it feels when they’re the one shut out. We try to help kids realize that their words and actions affect one another. We can say that it’s ok to have more than one friend, but kids really do need to construct this knowledge with concrete experiences.
Being a friend, making a friend and having friends is not an easy task for kids, and it takes a lot of time, thought, and effort. As they try to navigate these tricky relationships, kids are working hard to make sense of things, and teachers are ready to help.